Some flowers

I hesitate a little bit as I write this post but feel like I need to write down something that happened recently. This spring Matt and I found out we were pregnant and the baby was due on January 29th.We had seen the baby on an ultrasound at 8 weeks and again heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks just before we left for Utah. I had been really sick with the pregnancy and I even spent our entire trip in Utah sick.  I came home from Utah and had a routine 16 week appointment. I had some bleeding the night before so I made Matt come to my appointment. We discovered that the baby did not have a heartbeat and only measured 12.5 weeks.

We were quite shocked as it seemed so late and I had been so sick. It is emotionally tough because the longer time passes the more you plan your life around this upcoming event. We were also excited to add one more little person to our family. However, sometimes these things happen and we aren't ever really sure why.

We started telling people who had known I was pregnant and were mostly leaving it to that. Flowers started pouring in and offers of love and support were abundant. We were grateful to those who helped out with the kids and also brought in dinner. As we started processing the experience we grew together as a couple and as a family. I was so grateful for the kids that I did have and just started readjusting to our new situation.

My first Sunday back to church after the miscarriage we had a visitor from Elder Call from the Seventy. The two opening talks were on having a positive attitude and gratitude. Two subjects that I felt I had learned a lot about through this experience. Just before Elder Call got up to speak the bishopric member conducting mentioned we would have a testimony given by ME before he spoke. Tears instantly sprang to my eyes and I couldn't believe that I would have to speak right then. I am not one to shirk my responsibility so I went up to the pulpit and immediately grabbed a tissue and bore my testimony. 

I said that we had had a difficult month but through that was so grateful for those who had helped us and grateful for those who had offered their love and support. Our ward really is like a ward family. I also just bore my testimony that despite our trials I knew that the church was true and I was so grateful for the knowledge of it that help us get through them.

When Elder Call got up he said he felt like he should apologize because he wasn't aware of our situation but that he won't. When he came in he knew I was the one who was supposed to speak that day and the Stake President, who I know really well, also had given him my name. He said that sometimes Heavenly Father has a message for us and that message for us today was that Heavenly Father was aware of each and everyone of us and that He loves us. The impact of him saying that was so powerful. I personally felt that what he was saying was a message from Heavenly Father. I understand that this trial is not very large or hard in comparison to some but to know and realize that Heavenly Father was aware of it and helping us along was so meaningful. He then went ahead and talked about a few losses he had experienced in his life. He lost his 18 year old son to cancer and then recently lost a 4 year old granddaughter to a drunken driver car accident. The timing of our loss and the subject that he was addressing was the perfect match for my testimony. I feel like the message was felt clearly by so many people in the congregation and that we all grew a little bit more that day. Sometimes we have these spiritual experiences and they help carry us through and strengthen our testimonies.

I still feel those pangs of loss every now and again but know that Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan. I will do my best to fulfill His plan for me and my family.